The three moves that will shake…

…my personal life!

I opened the door. While laughing heartily at my silly joke she stepped in. Then suddenly she was laughing no more. Something made her stop. I looked over her shoulder…

“Oh thaaat, argh, you know today morning I woke up earlier than usual and I didn’t quite have time to fix the mess.”

Nervous laughter as I quickly pick after my mess. Mama had warned me...

(Flashback)

“(THWACK! THWACK!) Next time (THWACK!) when I tell you (THWACK!) to clean and make (THWACK!) your bed you will do (THWACK!) so. (THWACK!) You hear?

Well I heard, but didn’t listen. Classic case of in one ear right out the other. That’s another painful flashback. Not today.

I feel my sorry a*** as I remember the day and I float back to the present day.

She masterfully steps around my mess. I knew why I liked this one. Check those legs. NGGGG! She has nice legs, and unfortunately an even better nose. And so do I.

“What’s that smell?”

SNIFF! SNIFF! Oh s**t. It's the ugali I cooked last week and forgot to wash the sufuria.

“Oh thaaat. Hehe. Bana that is…the neighbours. I’ve always warned them about that sewage.”

She’s about to swallow my vibe when she walks into the kitchen to meet not-sparkling-clean kitchen. Ugali sufuria of last week. Sukumas of that same date. Cups with expired tea (the expiry date on the Ketepa pack said June 2008, the hoaxes). I can’t begin describing the mould we found on the plates…let’s just say, Hulk would have been incredibly jealous of the colour. Glow in the dark!

No guessing that my points tally had quickly dipped. I was in relegation zone. Even Juventus suffered an easier penalty.

Quickly I fetched water form my mtungi and quickly flooded the mould silly. Minus marks coz the crib has no running water. Bonus minus points coz the mtungi had something growing in it.

“Well everything is herbal. Colgate Herbal, Fair n Lovely is herbal so now si this is Herbal Water.” I joked.

The only laughter that could be heard bouncing off the plain walls was mine. She gave me such a serious stone face for a moment there she blended well with the wall.

I was now very well in Div 2.

Kitchen was sorted. Wasn’t actually but…for now. Peace reigned.

We finally found my seat, the Matrix seat, after I had finally gotten rid of the smelly socks and filthy yet wearable-another-day jeans. I call it the 'matrix seat' coz it reminds me of that scene when Morpheus was chatting with Neo (telly ni ya wanga kidogo). Minus marks coz she never liked Matrix, so she didn’t quite understand my love for a seat that had been rained on and has been a maternity ward for kittens. (Bantuts, I have your cat’s birth certificate).

She had cooled down and after thirstily scoffing down the juice (don’t ask where the water came from, she didn't, so why should you) I turned on the telly and sat on the cold floor to relax. I have only one seat remember. Relax though I couldn’t. Those bloody cats (Bantuts!!) that have made my roof a by-pass, were using my aerial to scratch their backs and sharpen their nails again. So for 30 minutes or so I was on the roof setting the aerial. I ended up connecting mine to the neighbours.

My lyrics must have been tight. Not once did she dare mention leaving. Well, the fact that it was getting late and she lived on the other side of town helped. (Guys, get a mama who stays millions of miles away and their mathrees end early) Bonus points for me…in my head of course. Bado mchezo was Div 2 lakini I was leading that table.

Speaking of table, supper was kuku sama na njiva (as the ad says). I got pity points coz I was hip and kept with the times. Most of her pals ate at Kenchic. (Oh, guys, if your getting a chick who stays far, don’t go tooooooooo far.)

Supper was done and a fake yawn later I declared it was (YAWN!) time for bed.

But first she wanted to freshen up.

“That’s okay with me. The bathroom is just there. Follow the sm…(sniff. Sniff)

There was no smell today. Phew! The day before there was water so I had flushed away my ‘baked beans’ and chapad ka-freshner I bought on one of my many successful trips to Nakumatt (unlike others)

“It’s just behind that door.”

I have those fitness loos where you must squat if you want to ‘squat’ (Kukata weight yaani).

“It’s okay. I’ll hold.”

She wasn’t fit and ‘lost appetite’ to use the bathroom. Needless to say, I also lost so many points that I found myself in Div 3.

Luckily, however, my bed helped my points tally. The low-rider pimped ‘dream ride’ with four inch ‘wheels’ was well received…plus it’s a strong ‘ride’. Coz after the midnight ride, oh yeah, I was back in the premier league.

But anyway, to cut the long story short, I was given a similar ultimatum that Abramovich gave ‘Maureen the whore”, improve or else. And since I want to keep this one…

(Flash forth) What do you call the opposite of a flash back?

Mr and Mrs Modo (bliss) with the little Modo (oh crap, not that brat) I return to reality panting. Ain’t no way I’m bringing a smaller version of me into this world. Not now anyway, I have to finish my karate classes first.

Okay, so I won’t keep this one, but the next perhaps.

Hence, my first move. In two months or less time I’m moving house. To a place with running water. And better loos. A place near a kiothe so supper can be there, therefore avoiding mould on ugali. A place ‘she’ (whoever she be) will continue laughing at my jokes even after walking in.

…my career!

“Excuse me sir, I have some sad news.”

“Why Modo? What’s wrong with you”

“I’m resigning”

“Oh come on. Bull****! Sit down man”

He goes back to his laptop to recover. He’s the boss he can’t lose his cool like that. Not in front of all people, me.

He types nothing for ten seconds, then he looks at me.

“Yes Modo, tell me, are you unhappy?”

Oh yes I am terribly unhappy. You have redefined the meaning of peanuts with what you pay me. I don’t like my creative director. He hogs all the work. Do you want to hear more?

Well, of course I didn’t tell him that. Hell, no. I gave him a speech about how I’ve been here for too long and I needed to move around and gain experience.

“Is it the money?”

YES!

No, sir, it’s not about the money. It’s the experience.

“Come on. It’s about the money,” he insists. “Then why don’t you go for the same amount we are paying you here?”

They have more peanuts than you.

I can’t, I tell him.

“Or why didn’t you go for 5k more?”

Come on.

“So you see, it’s about the money.”

At this point I had given up and just resigned myself to looking at him babble along. In my mind I was busy thinking of other important stuff.

“Come on Modo, think about your career…(should I now get a 29 inch TV)…don’t just go some…(now I can impress that chick next door)…those other places are useless, man, we…(oh no, I can’t impress her, I’m moving out soon)…this is the best place you want to…(now should I SMS her…hold on mr. boss man is talking, let me listen to him)…we are a secure company. We could send you abroad, if you’re tired.”

This goes on for like 30 minutes, but I’ve already made up my mind. He dismisses me, with a “this is not over yet” and I agree and say we’ll see.

After many days of trying to convince me to stay, it finally sinks into his little head that this dude when he makes up his mind, it’s set in fast-drying long-lasting cement.

So yeah, at the end of the month, Modo will be posting from a new place. Where the grass is greener, the honey is sweeter and the milk is richer than Tuzo or Brookside.

...the blogosphere!

Yes. I’m moving my couch to a new digs. I too am packing my couch for WordPress. I’ve been experimenting there for the past few weeks and soon it will be my new home. Come over for a taste of the couch at http://modoathii.wordpress.com/. Tengeneza that link.

So, new digs, new job, new blog…but it's the same ol’ me. Modoathii, son of baba modoathii and mama modoathii. Sister to my brother's sis. And brother to...yes...him.

BYE BLOGSPOT! IT'S BEEN REAL!

Like the famous dirge...Till we meet again!

Uganda Exposed - the final episode

I come to the close of my very short career in photography with these pictures of the Bungee place in Jinja. (Still can't remember the name)

Well I didn't bungee but I did binge. Later.
First up is this route map (ish) to Egypt via the Nile. Actually, it's a board where the guys who feel mountainous but can't get to a mountain come and test their spidey skills. Nick/Nik/Spidey will love this.

This is just in case you can't handle the bungee jump or the rapids of the Nile. You can call mummy dearest.

There's the 'launch pad'. 'Bladders' are fungwad kwa mguu and you jump all the way....down! and dip your head in the waters of the Nile.

That's how it looks from below! Notice the Nile beer bottle. That's the bungee for the drunks. Bungeee(hic)eeeeee!

That is where you dip your head. Are you seeing that little blue boat (on the left)? That's where you collect your 'remains' after a successful bungee.

Yours untruly 'down there' chapaing a pose for the camera. I was actually looking at the deadly view of the Nile from there.

Cheki that view msee. If you threw an empty Smirnoff bottle, it would get to Egypt after like a few months. I think we were told a couple of months. SIKUMBUKI!

Up theeeere, is the place we binged.

This shot made my day. I placed the camera preca...pre-c-a-r-i-o-u-s-l-y on the blue boat/raft/canoe/whatever and skipped back up like 30 steep steps to quickly pause for this shot. Then I had to rush back down and retrieve the camera before it wound up in the Nile and eventually Egypt...on a date like today's.

More views from the 'ground' level.



These were from up above.
Kuleeeeeeeeeeeeee, ndio Egypt msee! Can you see a pyramid?


Look at the bumble bee...ding'oing'o for others. And for the ladies, how cuuuute? woishe!

Sun was setting and it was time to hit the road, and I manged to beat some nice sunset shots. Ideal for closing this show of mine and leaving camera work to the like of Easy Going Man (LOL) and Mocha and..and...yes you hapo. Usiangalie nyuma...wewe...



Normal, wordy posts resume soon. I'm done with UG for now. I did TZ the other Dec but nilikuwa masikini sikuwa na kamera, so memories are in my head.

Verdict.

1st Place - Kenya...like duh!
2nd Place - Tied, Ug and Tz...like duh!

In all honesty, every place has it's own uniqueness. Example, when it comes to landscapes and peeps (despite everything I love our people) Kenya tops. When it comes to parrey harrey and constant fun things to do cheaply, Ug tops. When it comes to a place that's easy and relaxing...I'm definitely heading for Dar.

All in all, EAST AFRICA TOPS!!!!

Just as long as I can get a place to take my madness to, I'll love it.

Uganda Exposed - Episode 3

Previously on Uganda Exposed, the beaches and the b***hes.

Today on Uganda Exposed, the Tanzanian exposed! TZ's greatest export. (Mazee alafu ikuwe ni blogger fulani....si atanihanda mpaka ni-die)

Plus the source of the nile in all its grandeur (WEEEEEUUUU! BIG WORD ALERT! BIG WORD ALERT!)

It was a nice nyummy morning...let me say afte coz guys woke up late as usual. Club Silk had shikad the night before. So first stop was GC (Garden City). This my people is like the Vilage M of ours. Kumbe all shopping malls are the same during the festive season.

I couldn't get a clear shot of the 'City' itself coz...see for yourself,
That's as much as I could get a shot off. That is the main gate entrance. Nakuambia there was always a jam outside. Wale wadhii wote wanataka kuingia huko...tsk. tsk. tsk.

Here's a shot of how it looked like inside...outside.
Okay, the picture that showed the packed parking lot ili-lost. But just check at the base of the picture you may get a hint.

That's the skyline you see from GC. We had to take these chap chap kabla bouncer atucheki.
The impressive Stanbic Building.

We stocked up on our aspirins, panadols, hedex, tumbex etc and we were off. But first we needed to buy more film so we passed by Shoprite. I stayed in the car this time and boy did I have a little fun on my own...

Any guesses where this is? The power of boredom mixed with kidogo innovation and a camera fully loaded with film in hand.

Alafu nikaangalia mbele nikamuona huyu...


Are you seeing the angles I caught her from? Don't joke my camera can see round corners. EGM you may have skill of panoramic/paromaniac shots lakini chunga, try periscopic shots.

Oh, nimepata hiyo picha ya GC parking lot.


Tuendelee.

Baada ya kuburudisha macho we hit the road. We were rendezvousing (eish...even typing it was issues) with the Ugandan guy and the two chicks. The Ghanaian and the (drumroll) the (thank you), the...(thank you, you can stop the drum roll NOW! Thank you!) and the TZdian.

Tulikaa masaa...
Tick tock went the clock.

We linked up with our buddy and the goodies (still unseen to me). They were in another car. And we were off.

If this was in Kenya, i'd be reading "you are now leaving Kampala. Safiri salama." messages. This is the landmark that informs all tourists they are now entering Kampala. But we were leaving so of course you can't see the message.

We kamatad that road (Jinja Road) and there was no looking back...
Unaona vile kamkono kangu kameparara?

Looking ahead...

The road to Jinja has lots of views and excitement. Like the Mandela Ssssutadiooom (put a jang' accent)

Then we found ourselves behind this 'airliner'
Check out the 'Mash Auto' graphics.

Then we had to concentrate coz of the speed limit...
Is it any surprise we missed the bus.

We needed water for the trip so we made another 'pitstop'
Check out the weapon. Dude, you buy ngata in fear...if your Kenyan that is, me in particular.


Now the landscape was breathtaking.

This is the (for the lack of a better word) bushy stretch between Champara and Indinda. Somewhere along this stretch is the 'grand prix' stretch where those with roho clean out the cobwebs in their speed-o-metres.

And indeed we fungukad. The guy we were driving with clocked a cool 180. DUDE! and DUDELETTES! Roho ilichapa like it has never chapad before. 144 beats per 30 seconds. After I recovered I checked where the other car was...
Ndio wale ukoooooooooooo. Uko uko. Kuleeeeeee. Remember objects in this mirror aren't as close as they seem.

The view of this church was breathtaking. It stood all alone, lakini I was so mesmerized by it, that I remembered too late to snap it. But to compensate...check out the mandinyos. Nice eh?

Then finally we arrived to the place where this jungu called "Owen" kept falling. The locals eventually called it Owen Falls.
The car infront is always a Toyota. And in this particular Toyota rode beauty and the b....Tanzanian (sijasema kitu).

Waters from 'the source'.

Hyacinth removers.

Power plant.
Some 'villa'. Here I was chezaing with zoom.

Now this is a good example of a bad shot. I put camera on auto focus. Kumbe now Mr. Minolta (me camera) was focusing on the meshwire fence. My eye on the other hand was set on the view.
That's nice meshwire though.

Between where Owen fell and the source of the Nile was bila drama. Until we landed...
Goofers, doofus and the what-the-F! mtized. That's my boy, me and yes, the TZedi, at the source of the Nile. Sisemi kitu. (na isikuwe ni mmoja wenyu)
That island there is actually the 'true' source. Mzungu fulani alichoka akaangalia left na right akaona duuu! Hii ndio source. And the villagers gave thunderous applause. Makofi ya stima!

Beyond there is Lake Victoria.

That's the 'cabin' near where we set up our table and drowned the local tanyes.
On the way to the 'pinting' spot.

Then we tried deciding which was the best spot.

Once settled I took in the surroundings.


Then later after a few taskwinjes and pilinjes we got on a boat. We wanted to check out the source for ourselves...That's us. Of course I was the happiest child. This kaboat had only three life jackets. I grabbed the extra one. But honestly cheki how well fed those guys are, they'll float. Us skinny balinskis will cut the water like knives on butter.
Beauty...

And the...

Yet again.

This is one peti that amused me. The logo is Einstein's formula. The boat kumbe was sponsored by them.

Below are the sights we encountered. Plus you will observe I made my first step towards a career at national geographic.
Hukoooooo ni Kenya.
The tour guide told us the names of these birdies lakini akili was on taskwinjes. I gitched nada.


We were now standing at the source.

There's a bird in there somewhere...THERE! Umeiona? It must have flown away. No it's still there.



There's another bird here too. Angalia vizuri.
There.

Citi Hoppa ya maji huchukuliwa hapa. Lake Hoppa.

We were informed this is 'robben island' of ug. Somewhere there is a prison.

No, these are not inmates. These are mongos who were crossing to the other side. They don't take the 'hoppa' they have a private ride.
Speaking of which, check this. A guy had pimped his ride. Can you really call it a Land Rover anymore? Water Rover!

Dinosaur Mkali! No wonder Sailing Club closed. You can't let outdated creatures run across your compund like that. You scare all the kids.

From whence we came from
Closer...

On our return trip, we snuck up on these impressive eagles...sneak......sneak...
WOOW! Check out the wingspan. I was so thrilled. And how cool is this. This was the last exposure. Can you ask for a better way to end your film? National Geographic, my number is seben seben sigisteen, fortey nine, sigisty fortey holla.

So, it was back to enjoying my pint, that was between a rock...And a...er...hard place?

Till next time, it's been real. Ug was real.

Next episode, the BUNGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! that wasn't.

Disclaimer, any resemblance to anyone alive or dead, blogger or not, is purely incidental. It wasn't me.

Uganda Exposed - Episode 2

Previously on Uganda Exposed...the trip down (or up) with it's ups and downs.

This episode...Of Beaches, B***hes and a Paparazzi's shamble' abode

These were taken on my trip to Ebb. I must say the view was worth every shot. However i got too much exposure for my 36 exposure film. Can somebody make a 72 exposure film please.

Is it a bird?


Is it a plane?


No it's modo...


And his crib...

(Check out the pimped ‘dream mobile’. Low rider with 4-inch 'wheels'. So when I come home high, i'm still low) Plus in case some dude decides to come home and frolick with my wife, he can't hide under the bed.

Haiya after that short commercial, let the show begin.


This is a building block kule watoto wa Makerere hupiga makelele. We made a detour to pick my pal's chick who is a 'riot-abiding' student.


This building also in Makerere reminds me of the 'patch' primary and the duke of gloucester (sp) school where I attended to 'chase' away my ignorance. I didn't have a tour guide as qualified as I, so sijui ni nini hii nyumba.


Now this structure is...er...is....si mnajua ile iko kule Uni ya Nairobi? Basssss! Hii ndiyo ya Makerere sasa. I have no inkling of a clue called an idea what the crap this is.


The clock tower. Quite impressive. But from the back seat of a coupe I couldn't quite get a 'character-building' shot. Yap the chick was in the front seat and I was relegated to the back.


The road to Entebbe isn't ati 'paved' with breathtaking view liiiike that. But i managed to sneak in one, or two... no, one shot!

The Beach...

Finally we arrived. If you look straight ahead you see...



We were discussing how we will buy that and make it our private island...just before global warming checks in.


Notice the benches in the water. I thought it was a cool idea to have seats in the water. My pal corrected me by telling me that, it isn't a design. When the seats were first put there wasn't any water, but the 'tide' checked in later. O-oooh!

To your right...



There's a train coach kule juu, mnaiona?


Hii! Okay my 20-20 vision has issues so now can you imagine through the camera. Like camera like owner.

To the left, to the left...there wasn't much view to die for...(okay I lie, kuna vile hiyo negative ilitoa, well, a negative picture. So instead i give you this not-very-to-the-left picture...


Now that I had gotten acquainted with the beach, time to know the rest...


I like calling this the monkey boat.


This guy is the resident paparazzi. When we sauntered in he sniffed choomz and made small quick steps towards us but when he spotted the camera I unleashed (National Geographic quality) he kunjad sura and hopped away. He couldn't measure up. LOL!


Can you see that bird? There's a bird. Honest.

Aaargh! Sawa! Then check out these paparazzi moments with THEE birds.


They walked in one by one...


They walked in, two by two. Others were already 'two'...

I'll save you guys the commentary now.
















Okay, Ugandan ladies pride themselves with proper dressing and the like, but after seeing this 'mama' I beg to differ.


And for the motherly there was this little indianese toi flying all over the place...





And then I was busted.


It wasn't me.

Then I was about to attack the many 'fish in the sea' when I spotted this...


DARN!

The only fish I could now attack with gusto (big word alert! big word alert!) was finger-licking good.


YEI!

And that was that from Ebb. Oh, the guy happy with all this is THEE Ug homie.

Next episode, the TZdian revealed and a career in the making.

Commercials (we have to pay our bills)


(visit Milo for more ads)

Sights (bila sounds) of Uganda...the beginning

Okay, people, after sleepless nights, not scanning, but raving i have finally managed to get the pictures. This post's pictures are for the journey to Uganda. Since the journey was at night and i was camera happy, most shots were night shots (which of course you won't see because it was too dark to see anyway. I managed only a handful of them.

I thought it would be appropriate to start off with a picture of the explorer...



That's me on a typical working day. On this day i had no clean shirt. The only clean one was this one and it was attached to the trouser. Didn't have a choice... Huko nyuma you can spot a Smirnoff Black Ice, here we don't have ten o'clock tea. And i tried blocking off the numbers on that ka-paper on the comp tower. So sitaki kusikia ati kuna mtu anaitwa sijui bantutu ama wazimu mwingine milo ama madame kama jade, wanja the like, on the line for me.



The sun came up just before we got to the border. This was a tricky shot. The sun was behind us so i had to point the camera behind, cross my fingers and click away.



When i awoke from my slumber i saw this...I was shocked. I was wondering whatever happened to the kid who was on that seat. Mtoi ali-change nini?



Ah, beautiful Uganda. I had enough of these snaps lakini some crazy arse guy at the photo studio decided to tolesha only the ones he thought looked best. Idiot. He thought he was doing me a favour by not printing the rest. Did I say idiot before?



I thought this was interesting. Here is a business that would save a bundle on advertising. The name says it all.



This was one of the few many police check points we passed. What amused me is that cops here dn't stop you. The sign says "STOP" doesn't it? So stop. Sio kama huku Kenya guys pita mbio almost running over the cop. Oh, and ati if you refuse to stop, the dudes chase you. Na hutaenda mbali. Their motis have twin tanks, so...do the logic.



Boda boda tera dala kampala...The first of many encounters with these 'buggers'.



I landed safely and guess what the first stop was? Teremsha tembo kitambi kitokee...Malt these sides is known as Tusker, period. And yep they do have Pili. What amazed me was all pints were served chilled. Sio kama huku unaletewa moto (??) kwanza. This was my first pint in Ug at a place called "Car Wash". (The vodo i crossed over with doesn't count)



This here is the 'morgue' for flies. I don't know how it operates but flies always found themselves there...DEAD! Na hakuna cremation. This 'thing' is to be found at the Car Wash. Mnaonaje hiyo power of zoom? Eh?



The houses on the hill. This shot i took from the balcony at the crib where i would hibernate (and later cook myself a mess). This is Naguru, one of the seven hills.



Aaaaah the power of the zoom. I had to remove the other picture coz there was someone in the bafu.

I was just getting used to the camera here. As you will see later, they improved.

How to avoid seeing red this Vale's

Of all the three hundred and sixty something days, no other day causes grief like 14th of Feb. Even Christmas ain't this nasty. Even anniversaries are polite.

So we at 'the couch' devised great plans to avoid the Valentine's blues.

Plan One.

One week to Valentine's I always start a dome with mama, that way on 14th bado 'tunafuriana' kama ndao. then come 16th like this, we make up. It's cheaper kwanza, coz now on 16th not only have chocolates and roses teremkad bei but they are now on BOGOF (Buy One Get One Free).

It works for me. So well that every year I have a new mama.

Plan two.

The Magegania Bridge Racer Drink this on 13th jioni and wake up on 15th with a hangie but without a "headache".

Plan three (for the guys on the hunt)

If you are looking for a chick, always wait for after 14th Feb.

Before i could continue giving more ideas I was busted by the mathare attendants and i'm now in a red padded cell in a strait jacket with chocolates sitting invitingly on the table.

I wonder...

What will happen at dinner today considering arsenal are playing? I wonder. Will the arsenal fans have a 'ball' during dinner? Woi alafu washindwe. I pity their mamas. Kuleni dinner mapema.


The author operates a Make Up and Break Up Clinic during his off-the-couch hours. His advise is real and so are the resulting breakups.

Interesting read...

Jana i was kept waiting at a reception by a guy who instead of looking at his watch looks at a calendar. Since when did the duration of 30 minutes become 2 hours?

While waiting i grabbed this book and started flipping through. It grabbed me for like 30 minutes. And i still couldn't get enough of it. Funny thing is I'd always seen it but never gave two hoots about it. One day I saw another guy reading it, oh how i laughed. Little did i know until I too started reading it. Much to the amusement of the receptionist. We never appreciate this book yet it contains some vital and insightful information. Information I only discovered jana. And it's free. You don't have to go to NuMetro to get it. Though they do have it of course.

Kudos to the publishers. Kenya Postel.

Home Alone – Uganda Series

(mc clauclockcluklin – whatever – eat your heart out)


Home Alone 1 – Kamikaze Chef

On 28th December my pal, his chick, his pal and his chick traveled to Kabale (pronounced Kabare, the Ruganda people are the Kuyos here). They were going to do a couple thing huko by the deepest lake in Ug (I stand to be corrected….anyone? I thought so). Since I was flying solo, I couldn’t accompany them. Despite the constant whining of the gals and a few half-hearted full-bass requests from the dudes, I wasn’t about to prove that theory “three’s a crowd” right. In this case it would have been ‘2 couple’s company, 2 ½ couple’s an inconveniencing crowd”.

Now I understand why the boys were half-hearted. Can you imagine, the jamaas have ‘hanjams’ then the chileys start saying, “What about Modo. We can’t leave him out here in the cold.” In my fantasy world...conversation would continue…”let’s invite him for a threesome…us first, you guys later”. (I slowly drag myself out of the gutter…)


So I didn’t go with them. Now I had the whole house (and four uncooked drumsticks) to myself. Before I went back to the apartment, I chilled a while at the gate and saw this fly chick walking my way.

I straightened my shirt, made my hair, which proved almost impossible considering I’m giving Medusa compe. Then I pulled my best bounce. I should have listened to one guy who told me when I bounce I look like an oboho.

That will explain why my intro line and punch lines left me reeling from ‘the hand’. When did you Nnyabos of Ug learn the hand? My strike outs were piling worse than the victims of RVF.

I walked into the house dejected but at least I was able to paparazzle her photo.

Let me tell you why I was excited about going back to that digs. Jana, my boy had shangazad us, including his chick, with some nyummy delicious (understatement) chicken. After being told the secret (verbally) I was determined to make my own ngwoks (sio gwok…so you jangos stop kunjaing your faces like that).

So I dashed into the kitchen, marinated the ‘legs’ (as he told me to do…actually this I read on the packet of marinate). 15 minutes later I was warming the fat in the pan. Next, first drumstick takes a hot swim.

PSSSSSSHHHHHHHH!

I step away from the cooker. Fat is flying everywhere. Second, drumstick is thrown from a distance. We don’t want to mess this supuu hands.

“You put the kadhalikas pole pole as the kuku fries”

Was part of the mke nyumbani speech I was given by my pal. So kadhalikas start checking in one by one like passengers during off-peak.

Houston. We have a problem!

Mazee, this chicken is nowhere near resembling what was served yesterday. And I haven’t put in all the ingredients. Shortly, the kadhalikas now are like passengers during rush hour. Na hakuna jam. Pepper, coriander, sim sim (??), black pepper, all are making guest appearances in the pan. But si you know a movie with all the oteros usually has drama…welcome to la mujer chicken backfire.

Chicken huko is turning black, huku viunzi are refusing to co-operate. And pale marinate water is waiting to join in the circus. Circus indeed, coz when I ‘serve’ the, er…meal, I’m Rolling On The Silly F Floor Laughing My Silly Messed Up Arse Off.

To compliment the ‘meal’ I burn the rice. So now I’m having deep fried brown rice and chicken with thick oily soup of floating tomatoes, onions, coriander, you name it.

How I survived to go out that night only the angel of the stomach knows (he must have been briefed by the angel of hangies).

Home Alone 2 – Kamikaze Chef, the revenge

Day two alone. Two drumsticks down. Two to go.

I wasn’t about to let a part of a dead bird stress me like this. Today’s menu, fried chicken dipped in bread-crumbs. NYUMMMY! MMM! Even at the sound of that saliva had no choice but to tafuta a way out of the mouth.

So I grabbed the packet with the golden breadcrumbs. Twende kazi. I even grabbed a worn out apron and swung it around my waist. I mean more business than yesterday.

1. Boil the chicken for fifteen minutes.

Boiling the chicken. Check clock on cell phone. Fifteen minutes.

2. Warm pan with oil.

It is so warming it hurts.

3. Take glass bowl, beat egg, pour breadcrumbs, dip and osha the chicken.

Now here is where I was to get problems. Early in the morning at around 11.59 I had kunywad full continental breakfast. Eggs, ham, sausages, loaf, juice…okay since we were out of juice, Bell Lager would do.

Bottomline, I had no eggs.

Chicken had boiled.

Pan was hot and ready.

What to do?

Ala, mtajuaje mi ni bachelor?

I grabbed the breadcrumbs and poured them on the chicken directly. No egg to nicely envelope the thigh. I was so desperate I almost used saliva (Easy, I didn’t. honest. Does sweat count?) Like I said no dead bird was gonna humiliate me. I told Modo in the mirror. Who am I?

“You are Fucked! He replied.

Indeed I was. So I threw in the two remaining legs of chicken into the pan with the same finesse as yesterday. Maybe I need to change that tactic. That’s what’s messing all my chickens. The Kenyan finesse doesn’t work here.

Needless to say, I was scoffing down the evidence of a horrible meal, a few minutes later. And again angel of the tummy was working overtime (mnajua watu waliniambia nimenona baada ya kutoka Uganda? Ni hii kuku wasee)

Mke nyumbani would have been oh so embarrassed of me.

That evening my pals from Kenya landed and it was time to quit chefdom and change ‘careers’ to tour guide.

Home Alone 3 – Guest Tour Guide

Have you ever seen a guy who’s stayed at a place too long he became a mwenyeji?

Theory was simple. I had stayed longer than anyone checking into Kampala now so I became more of a mwenyeji than them. I had started getting to know the area kiasi well. So well that when my pal and his chick rocked in from Kenya, I became their tour guide.

“To your left we have…er, excuse me, ssebo, where is that? Wandegeya? Okay, thanks. To the left we have Wandegeya.”

That was me. Tour guide supreme.

Never once did I lose them. We did everything I had not done with my boy (the one who went to Kabale). I boarded a boda boda. JESUS! Those mongos ride those things like crazy. A guy is fighting for space with a taxi (matatu for Kenyan folk, dala dala for the T-zedians). I have ridden a bike and been a pillion on bikes in Kenya, but none had me tasting my heart like these dudes. The boda boda, first, was springy. Bouncing castle is polite. DUDE! I was bouncing left, right and centre on the bumpy roads. But I maintained my cool. You should have seen my knees knocking when I alighted.

I also had my first…(drumroll)…ROLLEX! (with that glitterati that danced in the air when Barcelona won the champions league) Kumbe hii ndio rollex? Chapo tu with egg rolled with kadhalikas. The highlight is that it is made roadside in five seconds..okay, minutes. Next to the rollex stall is the ‘kenchic’. Here the chicken is mutilated to the tiniest of pieces. Ni kama unakula njugu. The rollex was hot when I bought it, which was by the way at 5.30 in the morning, but when I got home the boda boda ride had cooled it off beyond a fridge’s ability. Oh, how I enjoyed this rollex. NYUMMY!

Next, adventure was on the taxis (mathrees banaaaa, mnataka nirudie mara ngapi?). Now, Kampala is interesting. The mathrees are bila numbers. And the touts shout the name of the destination, but two things, they’re not easily intelligible and two, they are calling out places of names you’ll only hear in Kampala. But the routes are simple. All mathrees are on one circular…ama squadi. The mats to the important places go round like number tisa. So just hop into one and sooner or later you’ll find yourself in Ntinda, Kira road, Kololo, Wandegeya, tao. And the fare is reasonable. 5 sok. (do the math, you unmathematised people) To places like Garden City, the Village market of there, you would have to take a boda boda. Good luck!

Oh, did I mention I was actually going into town for the first time, after like 6 days? The only place I knew in tao was the Steers. Lakini Kampala town is tiny, ukipotea unafaa upigwe makofi ka fortey. This is the only place where I didn’t earn my money as tour guide. But I got away with it.

Mnaona kuleeeee?

Eh?

Hapo ndio mwisho wa Kampala town to your left.

Okay.

Na mnaona kuleeeee?

Eh?

Sasa huko ndio mwisho wa Kampala town to your right.

Kweli.

Haiya. Mnaona nyuma yangu?

Eh?

Owino market. (like I had even graced it with sight from even one eye)

Ehe, kwa mitumba?

Correct. Na unaona kule mbele yangu? Hiyo barabara inaenda ile Serena mpya.

I only knew Serena was that side coz of booking an Akamba bus. But they were thrilled. I then showed them to Steak Out (with the help of our cab driver who didn’t know where that was anyway) and I was so used to traveling at night for a moment I closed my eyes and saw (?) the way.

We did Steak Out, Rock Garden (again), Silk…and at all these places we were on my favourite…ice dipped in vodka and coke. BLISS! (I behaved myself for the sake of my buddy’s chick). We also did the beach. But not the one in EBB proper. This beach, I should call it water-front or shore, is where the broke arse dudes come to (no disrespect intended). It’s a place for those who don’t want to fork out the 3k at Royal (that’s the beach proper), or for those who put 50 bob ngata in their cars.

Much respect! Will the Ugandan ladies please kneel down!

It was here at Ssese G Beach that I saw the much-famed Ugandan respect. There was this guy and his family whiling away at the beach. This guy was a typical man. Gazetti mkononi na hakuna kumsumbua. Bibi is over there watching the brats, and trying to strike conversation lakini the fathe is busy digesting his Daily Monitor. Shortly he gets up abruptly. Wife rushes after him but she returns. Kumbe hazi isn’t abandoning them, he’s off to the little boys room. Minutes later, his pals rock in with their families. Now, do you know how bibi says ‘wassap’ to his pals? She pigas magoti and won’t look at their faces. SHOCK!

I look at my pal’s chick and go like “niaje?”

“In your dreams.” That’s the difference between Kenyan women and Ugandan women.

It reminds me of when my pal, where I was staying, left for his mboch a Christmas bonus. You know how you leave for the mboch money on the table so she can pick it? Well, this one didn’t. She knew what her salo was, and this wasn’t hers coz it was too much. She actually left it on the table for like two days. It was when my pal told her it was hers that she dropped on her knees and said her many thanks to end a year.

That’s the difference between Kenyan mboches and Ugandan mboches. If you don’t wachia a Kenyan one tip, she’ll pass with your CDs.

“Kana dhani yeye ni nani?” she would say to herself.

End of a career!

Before I could blink it was time for my pal and his chick to return to Kenya. But not before one last adventure on New Year’s eve…